10 Things Spinsters Can Do Over the Weekend
(Since Apparently We Have All the Time in the World)
Ah, the weekend. That magical time when married people go to pickleball practice, attend in-laws’ barbecues, and argue about which drawer the batteries belong in.
Meanwhile, the spinster — a creature whispered about at family gatherings — is believed to roam freely through the world with nothing but time, cats, mild witchcraft, and suspicious independence.
As a proud member of this alleged demographic, I feel it is my civic duty to document how we actually spend our weekends.
For research purposes.
And for the aunties who keep asking.
Here are 10 totally respectable activities for the modern spinster.
1. Wake Up at Whatever Hour You Please
There is no toddler jumping on your spleen at 6:17 a.m.
There is no partner asking if you’ve seen their left sock, even though it is clearly inside the shoe they are holding.
Instead, you wake naturally — sometime between 8:30 a.m. and the collapse of Western civilization.
Stretch.
Sip coffee.
Stare peacefully into the void.
2. Attend a (sponsored) Meal That Lasts Longer Than Some Marriages
A spinster meal is not just a meal.
It is a four-hour symposium involving:
• Tomahawk steak
• Strong opinions
• Gossip from 2008 that has resurfaced with new evidence
All while you smile politely, chomping down food like a hungry ghost and gathering intelligence with your highly hypertrophied CN8 (gossip detection nerve).
Somewhere around mimosa number three, someone will sigh dramatically and say,
“Honestly, I’m thriving.”
Everyone nods solemnly.
3. Go on Elaborately Planned Solo Adventures
Take yourself on a date. No compromises required.
Possible activities include:
• museums
• bookstores
• long walks where you pretend you are a mysterious private investigator and casually eavesdropping on strangers’ conversations like a responsible citizen (yeah because some of us are that busybody)
Bonus: no one complains about the itinerary.
4. Conduct Light Recreational Cyber-Investigation
Some people relax with yoga.
Others meditate.
The spinster occasionally engages in Google-assisted anthropology.
This may involve:
• researching former classmates
• checking whether certain colleagues are secretly married
• discovering shocking LinkedIn promotions
Purely academic, of course. Anyway if you are too fugly to be asked on actual dates why not create more drama for others. That’s a perfect day you would envision.
5. Invest in a Hobby That Makes Your Relatives Slightly Nervous
Every spinster requires a passion project.
Options include:
• obscure historical research
• learning French for a hypothetical future life in Paris
• quietly lurking in multiple WhatsApp groups collecting news for redistribution to other spinsters
Quid pro quo, as diplomacy requires.
At family dinners, this is referred to as “your phase.”
6. Conduct Deep Philosophical Reflection
Late Saturday night is ideal for pondering life’s biggest questions:
• Why do people assume happiness requires a spouse?
• Should I cut bangs or straighten my newly permed yet frizzy hair? –Things do go awry.
• Would polka-dot socks go with my red shoes?
• How do I make my clothes one size smaller while accentuating my curves without committing a crime against tailoring?
Historians estimate 80% of regrettable haircuts begin this way.
7. Rearrange Your Entire Apartment for No Reason
At approximately 11:30 p.m., a powerful instinct emerges.
You must move the furniture.
Why?
No one knows.
But the couch will migrate to a new wall, the vibes will improve by 17%, and you will count it as light cardio and shedding some weight counts as a bonus.
8. Watch Entire TV Series in One Sitting
While others negotiate screen time with spouses or children, the spinster practices the sacred art of uninterrupted binge-watching.
Saturday afternoon plan:
“Just one episode.”
Six hours later:
You are now emotionally dependent on a fictional character who travels through time and has unresolved trauma.
9. Enjoy the Radical Luxury of Quiet Sunday Mornings
Sunlight.
Coffee.
A phone that has temporarily died from excessive investigative activities.
No one asking for snacks.
No thermostat debates.
No unnecessary reviewing of the post op patient you did because you didn’t do the preop lols.
Just peaceful contemplation of the valuable information (tea) gathered throughout the week and careful consideration of who deserves to hear it.
10. Do Absolutely Nothing
(The True Spinster Power Move)
The greatest freedom of all:
Doing absolutely nothing without needing to justify it.
No CMEs.
No meetings.
No explanations as to why you are in the loop of everything despite remaining mute.
Just a perfectly ordinary weekend in which you exist happily, scandalously unmarried.
And if anyone asks what you did all weekend, simply reply:
“Hmm, nothing much. Just living my best suspiciously independent life.”
Disclaimer:
Some activities listed above are age-dependent, weight-dependent, and gossip-availability dependent. Please conduct your own research and proceed with caution.
Doctor on FIRE 